grace's story: i wasn't a fat kid pt.2

... and the story continues:


during my last 2 years of high school i became involved in our drama program. it gave me things to do after school instead of going home to eat and sit on the couch. i didn't realize it at the time, but just having a small amount of activity in my daily routine resulted in very slow, unnoticeable weight loss for me.

i didn't realize it until i began seeing photos of myself. by my senior year i looked different. but i still wouldn't weigh myself. i still wouldn't talk about it. all of my friends were much thinner than me. i knew that i hadn't done anything special. i attributed it to 'filling in' and growing up. i still felt fat, ugly and only good for jokes and entertainment.

during those 2 years i was also going through a faith crisis. as in, i was finding out who God was. i had never known before. church was a place i only went when we were visiting relatives. and i stood when they told me to stand and i sang when they told me to sing.

but those 2 years i was being introduced to a loving God through friends who didn't see me as i saw myself. who saw through the charade and could tell i was hurting. in my senior year i met Jesus and surrendered my life to Him.

i surrendered my life save one part.

one part i wasn't letting go of. all of the hurt, pain and lies i was holding onto about my worth as a person being tied to what i looked like. the disappointment i felt in myself. the inadequacy. that's something i would continue to hold onto, and if i'm being honest, the thing i still run to when i'm feeling upset or sad.

but with Christ i started to feel like i was worth something. i started to see myself how God sees me. and then i wanted to start taking care of the person He had made.

in college i started making weight loss a goal. still, though, i never talked about it. when my friends were doing weight watchers and counting their points at mealtimes, i quietly ate my salads and veggie burgers and never mentioned that i was actively trying to lose weight. it was still something i kept very private. which seems silly, because i was going to the gym with my friends, running with my friends. but i never talked about it. when they announced how much weight they lost that week, i would smile and congratulate them. but i never chimed in.

i did lose weight at first. i started having fun exercising. i liked running. not only did i lose weight, i started feeling better about myself.

but i still didn't accept myself for who i was.

i graduated college 30 lbs lighter than the last time i weighed myself. it had been 7 years and it had been 7 years of fighting. 7 years of going up and down. 7 years of never reaching my final goal. a lot of things happened in those 4 years of college. a lot of good, some bad.

for the past 7 years, i've continued to battle. i've worked really hard at losing weight and i've also spent time not trying. it's resulted in a continuous roller coaster. even though i can look back and see that i'm not the same size i was in high school, i still feel like the fat girl.

and it wasn't until 3 years ago that i finally realized why.

i was looking at myself in the mirror one day thinking about all of the parts of my body i wish were smaller. why are my hips so big? i hate wearing bathing suits- one piece or not, my thighs should always be covered! how is it that my cheeks STILL look like squirrels'???

as i'm looking in the mirror i remember all of the things i used to tell myself:

"you're lucky you're funny because that's the only reason your friends like you."

"the only thing you've got going for you that boys are going to want is your large chest."

"fat girls don't get anything. they don't get the lead in plays. they don't get dates. just realize you're lucky for having what you have."

"when people don't like you, it's because of your weight. that's what's wrong with you."


as i'm looking in the mirror and reminding myself all of the things i used to say, i realize that it's been all too easy to recall. it's been all too easy to recall because i've never stopped saying those things.

i've just tricked myself into saying them in different ways.

i've blamed a lot of things on my weight and my appearance. i've used them as a barrier to keep people out. i've projected my feelings about myself onto other people and believed that's how they feel about me as well. i've used my problems with my weight and the insecurities i've felt for years as a weapon against myself.

and as i stared in the mirror that day i thought about what Jesus said when asked about the greatest commandment:

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.' ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

i thought about the words 'love your neighbor as yourself,' and i began to wonder how i was supposed to do that if i didn't love myself. how can i love my neighbor, then?

in the days that followed i began seeking God's answer to that question. i began looking at myself in the mirror and started telling myself that God doesn't make mistakes. that He created me as a masterpiece, His artwork.

i began to realize that as i was hating my body all those years, i was secretly hating who i was. i hated myself for the roller coaster. i hated myself for failing every time i tried to reach my goal. that day i told Jesus that i needed Him to help me in that area. i had never asked anyone to help me like that before. i told Him i would try and take the control back. i told Him i would probably let fear and inadequacy creep back in. and that day He said "I know. but I'm not going to let that win over you."

3 years ago i made up my mind to stop hating my body, stop hating myself. i started to pay attention to my body. what foods were good for me to eat, what my favorite exercises were. i made up my mind that even though it was going to be hard, i was going to stop using my weight as an excuse. i was going to stop letting it control me. and i was going to stop allowing it to keep me closed up, sheltered behind the wall.

i can't tell you that the past 3 years have been easy. they've not been. but i've been able to be thankful for my struggle with weight because it taught me to fight for something. i'm still learning to fight. i still have ups and downs. and i've still not beaten "my giant" as i call it. i still have a goal i want to meet. and after 14 years, i think it's about time i reach it.

i'm still very secretive about my goals. i don't like to share them with anyone. it's always been private. last year my sister and i started losing weight together. and it was the first time i had ever shared how much i weighed with another person.

while i'm still journeying through this process, i'm relying on Jesus. He's the one who helped me understand that even though i haven't met my healthy weight goal, i still need to love who i am through the process.

for me this journey has always been about accepting where i am while i'm working toward my goal. whenever i find myself thinking negatively about my weight or struggling to finish the last mile on the treadmill, i remind myself that:

1. God doesn't make mistakes and i am His masterpiece
2. He will always meet me where i am
3. He will always be helping to make me who i'm supposed to be

that includes my health. i rest in knowing that no matter how large or small i am, Jesus has accepted and loved me and always will. and He's taught me that my weight loss cannot be where i find comfort or safety. He's already given that to me.

i won't find perfection if i lose 20 lbs. nothing magical will happen. i won't suddenly feel like i'm living in the perfect body.

but i also know that He has given me this ability to fight. and i'm fighting this giant because i know that when i beat it, it will be because He gave me the strength to overcome. all the lies i believed. all the lies that i told myself. He who gave me life also gave me a body to live in, and gave me a purpose. i want everything i do to reflect that. and so i continue this fight. the only way i know how.








if you have a story and you want to share it, please email me: grace(at)skycroft(dot)org

grace's story: i wasn't a fat kid

i have a strong belief that leaders cannot ask people to do what they are not willing to.

it is because of this belief that i share my story with you today. this is especially weird because this is not a story i share often. in fact, i rarely share this story. most of it i've never shared.

this story is also not over. you're going to be reading a journey, not a completed book. this story is still being written.




i wasn't a fat kid. i was a skinny kid who loved to play outside, run around, get dirty and make up games in my backyard. i wasn't a fat kid. i played baseball- not softball- and i was a pretty good sprinter in elementary school.

i look back now and i wonder how i didn't notice getting fat. but when i stopped playing baseball at 12 years old, i was on my way to chunky town. it happened gradually, as far as i can tell through photos. but i didn't notice it then. i honestly didn't notice it. people called me 'squirrel' but i thought they were just telling me i had chubby cheeks, which i do. i didn't let it bother me.

by the time i hit 8th grade i had grown both height-wise and width-wise, but i didn't feel fat. i wasn't aware of my body. i was just living my life. and never thought twice about it. that seems impossible by today's standards. but i really didn't notice.

i didn't realize what i looked like until i was 15 and in the 10th grade. i had been noticing family members making comments to my mom about my weight. the day i heard my grandfather tell my mother that she needed to do something with me because i was fat... that was when it started. i didn't know how to respond to it. i talked to my mom and she comforted me, but i was confused.

the day i actually realized i was fat was on a shopping trip. one of my parents friend's took my sister & i shopping with her kids. we were walking through the mall on a mission to find me a new pair of jeans. suddenly we stopped in front of the plus size store.

"why are we going here?"

"really, grace? i just assumed this is where you had to buy your clothes. let's go in and see what we can find for you."

what i got that day was more than a pair of plus sized jeans. i also got a big dose of self consciousness that i'd never had before. i went home that night and i weighed myself.

189.

i was 15. in the 10th grade. and i weighed one hundred and eighty-nine pounds.


i didn't weigh myself again until college.

that day i internalized everything i felt about myself. the shock of what the scale said. how upset i was that i was shopping in the plus size store. the shame of not recognizing i had allowed myself to look like this. embarrassment. jealousy of my sister who was skinny as a rail and was only 2 years younger. resentment. anger. disappointment.

my weight turned into a secret. something i didn't want to talk about with anyone. not even my mom, with whom i talked about everything. my weight became my secret.

how? how can you keep your weight a secret? people can see you. all of you.

and they could. but i never let on how i felt about it. never. i acted as if everything was fine. in fact, i overacted. i became disruptive in my classes, always trying to be funny. i needed people to focus on something other than my physical appearance. so i turned to being sarcastic and witty. and it worked. for me. internally it made me feel like more of a person to be funny and have people laugh at what i said or did, sometimes at the expense of others.

as for my weight? at first i did nothing. i did nothing differently. i stayed inactive. i kept eating. did i gain weight? probably. but i wouldn't know. the scale was not something i stepped foot on.

... to be continued.

(check back later today for the second half.)

april is for sharing stories

april is here. which means spring is here. which means i'm thinking of new beginnings and starting fresh.

it also means the start of something new here.

self image.

it's the #1 thing i address/am concerned with when it comes to my youth girls and really, most teenage girls.

the current culture we live in nearly demands girls to grow up too fast and to look perfect. because of this girls in elementary school are dressing like girls in high school. they think it's normal to start wearing makeup at the age of 10, or younger in some cases. and the advertising industry has started marketing magazines for girls that age; magazines full of photos of cute prepubescent boys, dating & fashion tips.

we're basically begging our girls to grow up faster.

this is dangerous because it is creating a greater problem than future miss america's wearing too much blush.

it has created a rampant problem with girls' self image. mostly revealing itself in weight issues, self-harming, over-sexualization, relational insecurities & confusion.

this isn't new. this issue didn't just appear on the scene. but i believe it's getting worse.

this month we're going to be listening to stories of girls who have dealt with different kinds of self-image issues. you're going to meet real people with real stories of struggle.

i've got some very brave ladies who are willing to share their hearts with us. they are willing to put their battles, pain, successes and failures on display for you. they're doing it so that hopefully we can learn from them.

you're going to want to hear their stories. because their story could be just like the one you're living right now.

i'm excited for this journey with you.
because it's spring.
and maybe a new beginning is just around the corner for you.

Biblical womanhood

ladies, what do you think about this??

rachel evans: a year of living out Biblical womanhood

leave a note with your thoughts on this project!

life in the Spirit

community.

it's a word that we tend to use often. i use it very often. but what does it mean?

first, a definition:
community |kəˈmyoōnitē|
noun ( pl. -ties)
1 a group of people living together in one place, esp. one practicing common ownership.

2 [usu. with adj. ] a group of people having a religion, race, profession, or other particular characteristic in common.

3 a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

added together, i would say 'community' sounds a little like this:

a group of people with common attitudes, interests and goals living in fellowship together.

fantastic. but what does that look like practically, and directly in relation to girls ministry?

it looks like this:

it's girls gathered around a table talking about what their lives are like, how they see God and what they wish their relationships with God looked like.

it's a senior high girl taking a junior high girl out for coffee just to talk.

it's hugging our sisters as they tell us about their struggles with eating disorders and self-harming.

it's not being afraid to tell a girl that her relationship with her boyfriend is not honoring God and not healthy for her.

it's encouraging our sister that her relationship with her mom & dad is important and worth working for.

it's crying together because you can feel the pain and the weight of the world our sisters carry.

it's confronting our sister when she has done something that was offensive or hurtful.

it's waking up in the middle of the night to take a phone call from a girl who just needs someone to listen to her.

it's teaching our sisters that they have a purpose in this life & helping them find that purpose.

it's telling them every day that they are children of God and that continually walking in His Spirit is the best form of worship they can offer back to Him.

it's reminding them that they have been set free because of Jesus' love, mercy & grace.

'to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.' romans 8:6


today as i was reading in romans, i was reminded of the power of teaching how to live in the Spirit of God. how comforting to know that we have been adopted by a Heavenly Father and that we are born in His Spirit? how wonderful the knowledge that even if our earthly fathers have abandoned or mistreated us, there is a Father who loves us, has never left us and who never will.



ladies. know that no matter your circumstance, you have been brought into a community of people who walk in the Spirit of Jesus. you have a Heavenly Father who has always accepted you and never left you.

to those of you who have a community of people who have the same attitudes, ideals & goals, be encouraged and blessed by them. trust them. help them. comfort them. love them.

and because you have experienced such a community through Christ, it should be the urging in your heart to invite others to experience that community with you. we were meant to live life with the children of God. we were meant to tell people of the family God provides through belief in His Son.


if you experience that community in your life right now, who are you going to tell? who will you invite to be a part of that life?

intro to girls ministry. part 1

last night i had some of the girls in our youth group over to spend the night at my house. it's something i try to do once a year, but it's been a while and was long overdue.

long overdue because we had stuff we needed to talk about. by ourselves. without the other half of our group.

if you've been to girls night, then you know it's never 'just' a sleepover. i always have an agenda. the agenda?

talking. and lots of it.

if there's one thing i've learned about girls since i started in youth ministry 4 years ago, it's this:

macaroni & cheese and chocolate is all you need.

as soon as you walk in the door, there is no need to push conversation along. it just happens. and it happens in the best way. girls who need/want to tell each other about what's going on in their lives. in a safe environment. one with support. one with common problems. one with caring ears.

we talked a lot last night. we got into our issues. we held each other accountable. we listened.

i approach girls ministry knowing that girls need different things.

what my girls need is someone to intently listen to them. they don't need me to give advice or input to everything they have to say. they need me to listen to them and to acknowledge that i understand what they're talking about. about how they feel.

does this mean that i don't share Biblical truths with them when we're discussing life? absolutely not. they know first and foremost that i will always back up what i say with proof from God's word. but they also know that they can literally tell me ANYTHING and that, while i may react in a shocking way (because of how naive i still am), i will also talk through whatever it is with a willing heart.

the most dangerous thing i believe you can do in youth/girls ministry is to alienate and push youth away by being judgmental. is it necessary to teach them right from wrong? absolutely. but they have to be in your presence if you're going to teach them. and they have to trust you.

establish your relationship with them first. make sure they know Jesus is the center of your existence and that is exactly what they should be striving for as well. and then make sure they know just how reliable you are as a person.

this means the following:

- you walk your talk
- you're transparent
- you speak honesty and truth to them always. you can't expect them to be honest with you if you don't offer it first
- you love them unconditionally. and we know that love sometimes can be tough
- you give them sound Biblical advice. but you don't expect them to listen right away. (they're teenagers. did YOU listen to advice at that age? it may take some years)

it seems like girls ministry is pretty easy. it's not. establishing relationships and maintaining them is hard work. but it's rewarding work. because you're doing the Lord's work. and His work is pretty big.


part 2... coming soon.

my desire is burning like a million stars

this is something i wrote in response to a great article by don miller. it's this piece that showed me finally, that i needed to follow God's leading for the words He's placed on my heart. so it's the best place to start here. :o)


so, i should definitely share both sides of this story on men and women i started the other day.

here's the link to don miller's second post, what men need from women.

and here's a little something that i just want to say (since you've finished reading the post), that i am UBER passionate about. in fact, i could talk about this subject all day:

ladies.

you need to accept your own worth.

there is something terrible that i witness in teenage girls, sometimes beginning before that, and continuing through into adult life. it is the idea that they are only worth what their bodies look like, what they can offer a boy physically, what they can do to make someone else feel good.

this is heartbreaking for me.

i want every girl out there to understand just what her worth as a person is. it's not just to be someone's play-thing. it's not to be a puppy dog following loyally behind someone. you are meant to do great things. each girl is different. we all have our own calling on our lives.

whether that calling is to be a mother, a dentist, a businesswoman, a missionary, a teacher, a physicist, an oil-driller. whatever your calling is, do it with intention. do it to the best of your ability. grow. learn. be challenged. challenge yourself.

but do NOT ever think that your worth is dependent on someone else. there is no confidence in that. we were each uniquely created to be the person we are. don't let anyone take that away from you.

you are more than the clothes you wear. you are more than the boy you date. you are more than the money you have. you are more than the stereotypes set upon you by the world.

don't be a victim to the lie that the only thing that makes you worth anything is another human.

if you are a victim right now, find yourself out of it. it is that easy. don't let that hold you prisoner. take whatever is keeping you locked up and get rid of it. take whatever past you may have and tell yourself: 'that's what it is, my past. i want my present. and i want my future.'

here's a comment from don's post:

Eric says:

April 8, 2010 at 11:10 am

I think you are hitting it right. If girls act like they are worth nothing, that's what kind of man they are going to get- a man that can control his woman and keep her quiet. On the flip-side, men should not act so weak, pitiful, or indecisive. If a man is like this, they are looking for a mommy and not girlfriend or future wife. This is a man who needs to step up and be a man, but a man that is loving to his wife and respectful.



ladies. be the best you that you can be. because once you know who you are, you're ready to be a partner. not a victim. not a mommy-figure, not a daughter-figure. a partner.

that's where we can be worth it. worth the life we've been granted and worth the husband who wants a partner to be on this life adventure with.

you're worth that much.

(source)

*this is not meant to make you burn your bra, stop shaving your legs and start rallying for equality in the workplace. if you want to do that, go ahead. i'm only sharing my heart for the future of women's confidence. if this sparks a feminist rebellion in you... well, do what you want. and do it with intention.





(phil wickham- my desire)