it is because of this belief that i share my story with you today. this is especially weird because this is not a story i share often. in fact, i rarely share this story. most of it i've never shared.
this story is also not over. you're going to be reading a journey, not a completed book. this story is still being written.
i wasn't a fat kid. i was a skinny kid who loved to play outside, run around, get dirty and make up games in my backyard. i wasn't a fat kid. i played baseball- not softball- and i was a pretty good sprinter in elementary school.
i look back now and i wonder how i didn't notice getting fat. but when i stopped playing baseball at 12 years old, i was on my way to chunky town. it happened gradually, as far as i can tell through photos. but i didn't notice it then. i honestly didn't notice it. people called me 'squirrel' but i thought they were just telling me i had chubby cheeks, which i do. i didn't let it bother me.
by the time i hit 8th grade i had grown both height-wise and width-wise, but i didn't feel fat. i wasn't aware of my body. i was just living my life. and never thought twice about it. that seems impossible by today's standards. but i really didn't notice.
i didn't realize what i looked like until i was 15 and in the 10th grade. i had been noticing family members making comments to my mom about my weight. the day i heard my grandfather tell my mother that she needed to do something with me because i was fat... that was when it started. i didn't know how to respond to it. i talked to my mom and she comforted me, but i was confused.
the day i actually realized i was fat was on a shopping trip. one of my parents friend's took my sister & i shopping with her kids. we were walking through the mall on a mission to find me a new pair of jeans. suddenly we stopped in front of the plus size store.
"why are we going here?"
"really, grace? i just assumed this is where you had to buy your clothes. let's go in and see what we can find for you."
what i got that day was more than a pair of plus sized jeans. i also got a big dose of self consciousness that i'd never had before. i went home that night and i weighed myself.
189.
i was 15. in the 10th grade. and i weighed one hundred and eighty-nine pounds.
i didn't weigh myself again until college.
that day i internalized everything i felt about myself. the shock of what the scale said. how upset i was that i was shopping in the plus size store. the shame of not recognizing i had allowed myself to look like this. embarrassment. jealousy of my sister who was skinny as a rail and was only 2 years younger. resentment. anger. disappointment.
my weight turned into a secret. something i didn't want to talk about with anyone. not even my mom, with whom i talked about everything. my weight became my secret.
how? how can you keep your weight a secret? people can see you. all of you.
and they could. but i never let on how i felt about it. never. i acted as if everything was fine. in fact, i overacted. i became disruptive in my classes, always trying to be funny. i needed people to focus on something other than my physical appearance. so i turned to being sarcastic and witty. and it worked. for me. internally it made me feel like more of a person to be funny and have people laugh at what i said or did, sometimes at the expense of others.
as for my weight? at first i did nothing. i did nothing differently. i stayed inactive. i kept eating. did i gain weight? probably. but i wouldn't know. the scale was not something i stepped foot on.
... to be continued.
(check back later today for the second half.)
