grace's story: i wasn't a fat kid pt.2

... and the story continues:


during my last 2 years of high school i became involved in our drama program. it gave me things to do after school instead of going home to eat and sit on the couch. i didn't realize it at the time, but just having a small amount of activity in my daily routine resulted in very slow, unnoticeable weight loss for me.

i didn't realize it until i began seeing photos of myself. by my senior year i looked different. but i still wouldn't weigh myself. i still wouldn't talk about it. all of my friends were much thinner than me. i knew that i hadn't done anything special. i attributed it to 'filling in' and growing up. i still felt fat, ugly and only good for jokes and entertainment.

during those 2 years i was also going through a faith crisis. as in, i was finding out who God was. i had never known before. church was a place i only went when we were visiting relatives. and i stood when they told me to stand and i sang when they told me to sing.

but those 2 years i was being introduced to a loving God through friends who didn't see me as i saw myself. who saw through the charade and could tell i was hurting. in my senior year i met Jesus and surrendered my life to Him.

i surrendered my life save one part.

one part i wasn't letting go of. all of the hurt, pain and lies i was holding onto about my worth as a person being tied to what i looked like. the disappointment i felt in myself. the inadequacy. that's something i would continue to hold onto, and if i'm being honest, the thing i still run to when i'm feeling upset or sad.

but with Christ i started to feel like i was worth something. i started to see myself how God sees me. and then i wanted to start taking care of the person He had made.

in college i started making weight loss a goal. still, though, i never talked about it. when my friends were doing weight watchers and counting their points at mealtimes, i quietly ate my salads and veggie burgers and never mentioned that i was actively trying to lose weight. it was still something i kept very private. which seems silly, because i was going to the gym with my friends, running with my friends. but i never talked about it. when they announced how much weight they lost that week, i would smile and congratulate them. but i never chimed in.

i did lose weight at first. i started having fun exercising. i liked running. not only did i lose weight, i started feeling better about myself.

but i still didn't accept myself for who i was.

i graduated college 30 lbs lighter than the last time i weighed myself. it had been 7 years and it had been 7 years of fighting. 7 years of going up and down. 7 years of never reaching my final goal. a lot of things happened in those 4 years of college. a lot of good, some bad.

for the past 7 years, i've continued to battle. i've worked really hard at losing weight and i've also spent time not trying. it's resulted in a continuous roller coaster. even though i can look back and see that i'm not the same size i was in high school, i still feel like the fat girl.

and it wasn't until 3 years ago that i finally realized why.

i was looking at myself in the mirror one day thinking about all of the parts of my body i wish were smaller. why are my hips so big? i hate wearing bathing suits- one piece or not, my thighs should always be covered! how is it that my cheeks STILL look like squirrels'???

as i'm looking in the mirror i remember all of the things i used to tell myself:

"you're lucky you're funny because that's the only reason your friends like you."

"the only thing you've got going for you that boys are going to want is your large chest."

"fat girls don't get anything. they don't get the lead in plays. they don't get dates. just realize you're lucky for having what you have."

"when people don't like you, it's because of your weight. that's what's wrong with you."


as i'm looking in the mirror and reminding myself all of the things i used to say, i realize that it's been all too easy to recall. it's been all too easy to recall because i've never stopped saying those things.

i've just tricked myself into saying them in different ways.

i've blamed a lot of things on my weight and my appearance. i've used them as a barrier to keep people out. i've projected my feelings about myself onto other people and believed that's how they feel about me as well. i've used my problems with my weight and the insecurities i've felt for years as a weapon against myself.

and as i stared in the mirror that day i thought about what Jesus said when asked about the greatest commandment:

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.' ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

i thought about the words 'love your neighbor as yourself,' and i began to wonder how i was supposed to do that if i didn't love myself. how can i love my neighbor, then?

in the days that followed i began seeking God's answer to that question. i began looking at myself in the mirror and started telling myself that God doesn't make mistakes. that He created me as a masterpiece, His artwork.

i began to realize that as i was hating my body all those years, i was secretly hating who i was. i hated myself for the roller coaster. i hated myself for failing every time i tried to reach my goal. that day i told Jesus that i needed Him to help me in that area. i had never asked anyone to help me like that before. i told Him i would try and take the control back. i told Him i would probably let fear and inadequacy creep back in. and that day He said "I know. but I'm not going to let that win over you."

3 years ago i made up my mind to stop hating my body, stop hating myself. i started to pay attention to my body. what foods were good for me to eat, what my favorite exercises were. i made up my mind that even though it was going to be hard, i was going to stop using my weight as an excuse. i was going to stop letting it control me. and i was going to stop allowing it to keep me closed up, sheltered behind the wall.

i can't tell you that the past 3 years have been easy. they've not been. but i've been able to be thankful for my struggle with weight because it taught me to fight for something. i'm still learning to fight. i still have ups and downs. and i've still not beaten "my giant" as i call it. i still have a goal i want to meet. and after 14 years, i think it's about time i reach it.

i'm still very secretive about my goals. i don't like to share them with anyone. it's always been private. last year my sister and i started losing weight together. and it was the first time i had ever shared how much i weighed with another person.

while i'm still journeying through this process, i'm relying on Jesus. He's the one who helped me understand that even though i haven't met my healthy weight goal, i still need to love who i am through the process.

for me this journey has always been about accepting where i am while i'm working toward my goal. whenever i find myself thinking negatively about my weight or struggling to finish the last mile on the treadmill, i remind myself that:

1. God doesn't make mistakes and i am His masterpiece
2. He will always meet me where i am
3. He will always be helping to make me who i'm supposed to be

that includes my health. i rest in knowing that no matter how large or small i am, Jesus has accepted and loved me and always will. and He's taught me that my weight loss cannot be where i find comfort or safety. He's already given that to me.

i won't find perfection if i lose 20 lbs. nothing magical will happen. i won't suddenly feel like i'm living in the perfect body.

but i also know that He has given me this ability to fight. and i'm fighting this giant because i know that when i beat it, it will be because He gave me the strength to overcome. all the lies i believed. all the lies that i told myself. He who gave me life also gave me a body to live in, and gave me a purpose. i want everything i do to reflect that. and so i continue this fight. the only way i know how.








if you have a story and you want to share it, please email me: grace(at)skycroft(dot)org